This one is all too funny and can be applied to your choice of industries.
FORCE REDUCTION PLAN
REF/A/MSG/CMC WASHINGTON DC/112215ZFEB2010//
REF/B/MSG/USMC WASHINGTON DC/082055ZAPR2010
REF/C/DOC/DFAS-HQ/01AUG2010//
SUBJECT: USMC FORCE REDUCTION PLAN
NARR/REF A IS MARADMIN 032/10. REF B IS MARADMIN GUIDANCE. REF C IS DJMS PROCEDURES TRAINING GUIDE (PTG). REF D IS OPNAVINST 1160.6A.REF E IS MILPERSMAN (NAVPERS 15560C).
1. AS A RESULT OF SENATE PROPOSED FORCE REDUCTIONS AND BUDGET CUTS THE HEADQUARTERS MARINE CORPS HAS DEVELOPED A PROGRAM TO REDUCE THE NUMBER OF ACTIVE DUTY PERSONNEL. THIS PROGRAM IS UNDER TEST PHASE AND WILL BE EFFECTIVE 1 JANUARY 2012. UNDER THIS NEW PROGRAM, OLDER MARINES WILL BE ASKED TO GO ON EARLY RETIREMENT, THUS PERMITTING THE RETENTION OF THE YOUNGER MARINES WHO REPRESENT THE FUTURE. THEREFORE, THIS PROGRAM WILL PHASE OUT OLDER MARINES BY THE END OF THE FY 2012.
2. THIS INITIAL PHASE OF THE PROGRAM WILL BE KNOWN AS SERVICEMAN’S LATE-AGED PROGRAM (SLAP). MARINES WHO ARE SLAPPED WILL BE GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK FOR JOBS OUTSIDE THE MARINE CORPS.
3. SLAPPED MARINES CAN REQUEST A REVIEW OF THEIR PERSONNEL RECORDS BEFORE ACTUAL RETIREMENT TAKES PLACE. THIS PHASE OF THE PROGRAM IS CALLED SURVEY OF CAPABILITIES OF RETIRED EARLY WORKERS (SCREW). ALL MARINES WHO HAVE BEEN SLAPPED OR SCREWED MAY FILE AN APPEAL WITH THEIR CHAIN OF COMMAND WITH FINAL AUTHORITY AT HQMC MMEA. THIS IS CALLED STUDY BY HIGHER AUTHORITY FOLLOWING TERMINATION (SHAFT).4. UNDER THE TERMS OF THE NEW POLICY, A MARINE MAY BE SLAPPED ONCE, SCREWED TWICE, BUT MAY BE SHAFTED AS MANY TIMES AS HQMC DEEMS APPROPRIATE. IF A MARINE FOLLOWS THE ABOVE PROCEDURES, HE/SHE WILL BE ENTITLED TO GET HALF EARNINGS FOR RETIRED PERSONNEL’S EARLY SEVERANCE (HERPES) OR COMBINED LUMP-SUM ASSISTANCE PAYMENT (CLAP), UNLESS HE/SHE ALREADY HAS ADDITIONAL INCOME FROM DEPENDENTS OR SPOUSE (AIDS).
5. AS HERPES AND CLAP ARE CONSIDERED BENEFIT PLANS, ANY MARINE WHO HAS RECEIVED HERPES OR CLAP WILL NO LONGER BE SLAPPED OR SCREWED BY THE MARINE CORPS.
6. THE MARINE CORPS WISHES TO ASSURE THE YOUNGER MARINES WHO REMAIN ON BOARD, THAT THE MARINE CORPS WILL CONTINUE IT’S POLICY OF TRAINING MARINES THROUGH OUR SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (SHIT). THE MARINE CORPS TAKES PRIDE IN THE AMOUNT OF SHIT OUR MARINES CAN RECEIVE. OUR MARINES TAKE MORE SHIT THAN ANY OTHER SERVICE. IF ANY MARINE FEELS THEY DO NOT RECEIVE ENOUGH SHIT AT THEIR CURRENT BASE, SEE YOUR IMMEDIATE SUPERVISOR.